I have to get this out of my system. Bear with me if I ramble or don’t make sense, but this blog is very cathartic for me. I am able to lay out my thoughts and feelings and couldn’t care less about the judgment that may come from those who read them. This is my outlet – my pulpit if you will. I am able to be transparent because I don’t really have to face anyone who is reading what I write.
With that said, I am seriously tired. Like, well worn and full of battle scars. Everything I do I give my all. When I’m working, I work hard. When I’m volunteering, I lay it all out. If I’m giving, I give everything I have even if it means I go without. When I love, I love with reckless abandon. I try to temper myself but it just never works. I don’t know how to do anything small. I put my heart into the things that I do which is why I try not to overextend myself by taking on too many commitments. If I say no, it is for very good reason – I’m already stretched too thin. When I don’t say no and I go all in, somehow whatever I am giving myself to ends up backfiring. I get fired from a job, end up brokenhearted from a relationship, or left broke from helping others.
I’m currently reading a plan on my Bible app about social justice and the desire to make change. Justice is definitely a passion of mine. One of the recurring themes in the plan is sacrifice. How much are you willing to give selflessly for someone else’s betterment? I keep thinking, “this is my LIFE! I do this all day anyway!” But I can’t lie. I am so afraid of the cost of giving so much of my time and effort and possibly never winning a battle. I’ve done this time and again. I have invested myself selflessly and end up so depleted that all I can think to do is ball up in my room with the blinds closed and lights off. Yet and still I find myself in the same sacrificial position time and again.
People say I give too much. Maybe I do. It is my strength and my weakness. A gift and a curse. I watch people half-ass through life and gain so much more than I do when I risk it all. And it saddens me. I’m seriously jealous of anybody who can give so little and get so much in return. But at the same time I feel like these same people are setting themselves up for a long term failure. You see, they are entitled and expect to always have something tangible to hold on to. I wish they could be broken like me so they could know what it feels like to only have their faith in God to cling to.
I’m tired. Well worn and full of battle scars. I’ve given my all. Risked it all. Put my whole heart and soul on the line with no guarantee of a return. But I can’t say that I regret it because I wasn’t made to half-ass my way through life. My biggest weakness is my greatest strength.